The “true” story behind the events of this year’s Tour de France
197 riders, 3642km, hills, cobbles, mountains and time trials. VeloNation takes a sideways, stage-by-stage look at what really happened in this year’s Tour de France.
Prologue: Rotterdam, 8.9km
Don’t you just hate it when it rains on a prologue? Manuel Cardoso and Mathias Frank do; both riders hit the tarmac, Cardoso face first; neither starts the next day. Wet city streets and time trial bikes come together to produce the World 
“upright cornering” championships.
All is right in the universe as Fabian “Spartacus/Don’t call me Spartacus” Cancellara blitzes around the course and puts on the race’s first yellow jersey. Complaints that the World champion had different conditions to the others are quashed when it’s revealed that the sheer power that Cance produces is drying the roads as he goes along.
Stage winner: Fabian Cancellara
Yellow jersey: Fabian Cancellara
Stage 1: Rotterdam to Brussels, 223.5km
The Manx Missile is beginning to look more like a North Korean missile on stage 1 to Brussels, as Mark Cavendish goes straight on at the final corner of the stage; he also takes out Oscar Freire in the process. In a display of solidarity that was to feature in much of the Tour, most of the peloton promptly takes itself down, in sympathy with Cav and the Cat, a few hundred metres later.
Alessandro Petacchi is the last man standing as Lloyd Mondory’s bike forgets where it is and tries to get it on with Tyler Farrar’s.
“I can’t believe they make us race along these long, wide, straight boulevards so early in the race!” cries one disgusted rider.
Stage winner: Alessandro Petacchi
Yellow jersey: Fabian Cancellara
Stage 2: Brussels to Spa, 201km
Solidarity returns to the race once more on stage 2, as everybody does what Cancellara tells him to do. The whole peloton sits up and waits for Fränk and Andy Schleck, and nearly everybody else, who go down on the one oil slick that’s not in the Gulf of Mexico. Thor Hushovd is unimpressed as he’s not allowed to sprint for points; Maxime Bouet risks the wrath of Spartacus by lunging for the line anyway. Just in case.
Sylvain Chavanel is one rider that doesn’t mind the peloton slowing down; he’s miles ahead and takes an uncontested stage win and the yellow jersey too.
Stage winner: Sylvain Chavanel
Yellow jersey: Sylvain Chavanel
Stage 3: Wanze to Arenberg Porte du Hainaut, 213km
Whoops! Yesterday’s solidarity suddenly disappears as soon as it’s not Cancellara’s team leader that’s caught behind the crash. Sadly it’s Fränk Schleck’s broken body laying on the cobblestones that delays almost everybody; ‘never mind’ says Cance and tows little brother Andy to the finish. Hushovd manages to hide unnoticed at the back of the five-rider break, disguised as a big Norwegian flag, and takes an easy sprint win.
Everybody goes crazy when the unwritten rules of race protocol are completely ignored, and no one waits for Chavanel in the yellow jersey when he punctures on the cobbles. Hang on; no they don’t. Nobody says a word.
Stage winner: Thor Hushovd
Yellow jersey: Fabian Cancellara
Stage 4: Cambrai to Reims, 153.5km
With Cavendish’s missile guidance system apparently fixed, he now seems to be having trouble with his ignition circuits. The rest of the sprinters get into their allotted places behind Cav and prepare to ride over the line in the usual formation. Petacchi suddenly notices that Cav’s only doing 25kph though, and decides to go for it himself.
Stage winner: Alessandro Petacchi
Yellow jersey: Fabian Cancellara
Stage 5: Épernay to Montargis, 187.5km
Frantic overnight repairs by the HTC-Columbia mechanics see a completely reconditioned Cavendish rolled out of the garage for stage 5; turns out that someone put diesel in his tank in Rotterdam instead of super.
Everyone who hates Cav for being arrogant decides to hate him when the sheer relief makes him cry instead. What do you want people?
Stage winner: Mark Cavendish
Yellow jersey: Fabian Cancellara
Stage 6: Montargis to Gueugnon, 227.5km
Cav’s overnight repairs from two days ago hold firm as he leaves the rest for dead once again; all those who wrote him off on stage 4 say they never doubted him.
Not much else to say on this one really…
Stage winner: Mark Cavendish
Yellow jersey: Fabian Cancellara
Stage 7: Tournus to Station des Rousses, 165.5km
After having the yellow jersey unceremoniously ripped off his back on the cobbles of stage 3, Chavanel decides that the Tour helps those who help themselves and goes off to take it back.
The peloton comes in not far behind Chavanel on the first serious hills of the race; someone needs to buy Stijn Vandenbergh a new calculator though, as he completely misjudges the cut off point and finishes outside the time limit. Something tells me that Stijn won’t be up for the job of autobus ‘driver’ when Robbie McEwen retires.
Stage winner: Sylvain Chavanel
Yellow jersey: Sylvain Chavanel
Stage 8: Station des Rousses to Morzine-Avoriaz, 189km
The Alps arrive at last and Andy Schleck shows that he’s a force to be reckoned with this year with a late attack that only Sammy Sanchez can follow.
Lance Armstrong has one of those days though, as all the bad luck that he never saw between 1999 and 2005 visits him at the same time. He has a diversion onto an alpine meadow after just 6km and then takes himself out at 60kph on the approach to the penultimate climb. It’s the last incident that sums up his day though as it’s revealed that the Euskaltel-Euskadi team is also sponsored by the Keystone Cops this year; two of them take each other out right in front of him as they fight over a feed bag.
Stage winner: Andy Schleck
Yellow jersey: Cadel Evans
Stage 9: Morzine-Avoriaz to Saint-Jean-de-Maurianne, 204.5km
Everybody else’s problems are put into perspective as Cadel Evans rides over one of the toughest climbs in the Alps with the arm he broke yesterday.
Contador and Schleck get away over the top of the Col de la Madeleine and catch up with the break; everybody is convinced that the finish is perfect for Damiano Cunego and confidently assure everyone that he will win this easily, right up to the point that Sandy Casar leaves him for dead.
Andy takes yellow, but surely he’s just keeping it warm for Alberto…
Stage winner: Sandy Casar
Yellow jersey: Andy Schleck
Stage 10: Chambéry to Gap, 179km
Has it really only been six years since Athens Olympic Games silver medallist Sergio Paulinho got a result worth talking about? Okay, maybe that’s not fair, he did win a stage of the Vuelta a España in 2006 too. This stage is more about how former track rider Vasil Kiryienka, the 2006 World points race bronze medallist, manages to mess up his sprint against a time triallist.
The peloton holds its collective breath as it passes Beloki corner, where somebody has helpfully marked out Lance Armstrong’s cross country course from 2003.
Stage winner: Sergio Paulinho
Yellow jersey: Andy Schleck
Read part 2 of the true story behind this year’s Tour de France.